The trial of Eden

After being kicked out of the Garden of Eden, the one with awesome lakes, hills and wildlife stuff Adam and Eve had a grudge against the God (a female in the premise presented)…

A potentially worthwhile rancor too, they just didn’t have a smart attorney to represent the case else God would have been on all fours and halo, repenting her hasty actions. But democracy and law were not the way of life back then, certainly not the lawyers – mostly because everything God created was supposedly humane and innocent.

If the great trail of Eden was ever to take place, with the cutting edge slyness and world-class wickedness today’s human beings have managed to attain, it would go something like this.

Case 0 – People of Eden vs. God
Charges against God – inhumane behavior with Adam and Eve

So Ms. God, why would you place this so called “Tree of wisdom” right there in spotlight? Spotlight where moonlight merges with the reflection of godly, ahem, ripples to create this mirage of heaven in heaven? And then explicitly tell these poor kids not to eat that tempting fruit? Weren’t you driving things to actually lead to where we see them right now? Looks like you played with their innocent psyche propelling them to commit a crime then never would have wanted to commit in the first place.

Umm…but…

And with due respect Madam, since you claim that eating fruit of that tree would be wrong, so you yourself did have that wisdom of right and wrong. Did you not? I can only assume but looks like someone has been sneaking fruits from that fateful tree and garnering all that piece of mind herself. If they are guilty then so are you. Equality of law states that.

[God nervously takes off her halo]
Well…but I created them, so well I kinda wanted them to remain that way, enslav..err…innocent.

Clearly, a violation of human rights Ms. God. Curbing someone’s free will - A crime which the law would find much-much worse than eating an enticing fruit from a tree built right at the heart of a garden. Given your disposition I am even convinced that you might have very well served them this fruit yourself, had your partner in crime, Mr. Satan, would have failed to convince my clients.

My partner? WTF, I hate that guy…

Of course you do Ms. God. You cannot even love these meek innocent creatures you created, once they were wise enough to break the shackles of your obligatory slavery. You are not just a threat to the people around you but to this Universe you claim to have created. Why would you create it anyway? Daily supply of fresh slaves? Set free, you might even start a slave trade right here in heart of Eden.

This is totally baseless…

Your psychoanalysis report would beg to differ - A morbid desire to control, self-righteousness, and an inclination to arsenals – the big bang proves your hyper pyromania. You are unsafe for the civil world we are trying to build here.

Okay, this is it. I would like to speak to you and your clients in person and settle this outside this court of law. I have as much chances of winning here as Satan has of walking again [godlike satanic smirk]

As the legend goes (this fictional legend that is) God promised beer, other ‘Eves’ and internet to Adam and gossiping, makeovers and Adams undiluted attention (until marriage) to Eve. And for the lawyers God created a sanctuary for them called hell. Adam and Eve dropped all the charges against her...Adam peed on the gates of Eden as a symbolic letting go.

And thus God was evicted of all the charges and Adam and Eve lived happily ever after (so to speak).

The Déjà Vu

“So, this is how it will work. As a test subject, we send you back in time. You do something that changes the past slightly and gets reflected in the future. And our 17 years of hard-work and remaining precious plutonium prove that we have achieved time-traveling. And then we might get grant from the government to continue this experiment. You are our last hope, so to speak.”

"Okay, so let me get this right doc. I can actually go back in time, make changes in my answer sheet and prevent this however inevitable ‘F’ I am getting right now?"

"Ideally, yes. But our time-travel contraption is still premature, so there are a few catches."

"Go on…"

"The time that we might want to send you back in, will just be an approximation and could show a discrepancy ranging from nothing to infinity. To keep this variance minimum we partly transfer your consciousness back in time instead of sending the physical you. Basically, it would wind up as brain waves travelling through time…consuming much less energy than any substantial transfer."

"But what use is my consciousness when physically I will not be able to do a thing back in time?"

"While you lie comatose here, your present consciousness travels back in time, perhaps to a point when you were writing this test and influence you to mark the right answers. This right-answer marking will happen subconsciously. For the past you, it would be just like being confused between the choices and picking the right one abruptly."

"And what happens if my consciousness alters the past so much that we might not even have this very conversation we are having right now? Time traveler’s debacle, a freaking paradox?"

“Well, here lies a problem. The notion of triggering alternate reality or constructing circular timeline is so farfetched and flimsy that you would not want to toy with it. I suggest that once your consciousness is back in time you INFLUENCE yourself to CREATE conditions triggering the present as it is. Else the repercussions can be random, specifically, not pleasant.”

“Umm…Okay, so basically after excelling the paper I make myself believe that I have screwed it up and tell myself I should see you. Convenient. How will you bring me…err…my consciousness back from time doc?”

“Snap you out of it with a mild electric shock, and everything should be fine if you didn’t tweak with your past mind beyond control.”

“Phew…OK.”

“So, you sure you want to do this?”

His body was lying in deep slumber; his brain waves however, were plotting contours of enormous activity on the reference monitor. The murky room he was in was betraying the psychological lifelessness that enveloped.

Sinister…yet so beautiful.
Still…yet so alive.

He was staring at that question paper again, only this time with a subconscious familiarity, and oh…with a newfound interest in the girl who was sitting diagonal to him.

Gosh, she is so cute…concentrate you moron…okay, so the hydraulic power…did she notice me when I walked in, I wonder…darn it, you douche…it’s either C or A…it’s…she has the prettiest hair in the whole world…okay B it is…I think I should ask her out…alright, this is going nowhere…B again?...umm, I don’t know man, maybe it’s E…I think I can concentrate on anything but her now.

“Should we amplify the shock?” he faintly made out the words as he tried to open his heavy eyelids. “No, I think we got him…” a recognizable voice…an anxious one too.

“So, how was it? How did it go? You were unconscious for over an hour. Please tell me that you did something worthwhile.”

“You might hate me for saying this doc but…do you happen to have some more plutonium? Girl emergency, I hope you understand. By the way I am failing again.”

“WTF”

“Hang on. Hang on. I am having a déjà vu now, yeah, this is it…no no, you don’t hit your head on that wall doc, you bang it on the panels over there…yup, exactly like that. Too bad, I just cannot remember her number amidst all this commotion.”

Escape Velocity

She stood at the edge of the cliff, her feet inches away from thousands of meters of free fall. She looked down into the valley, a cold shiver running menacingly down her spine making her desolately numb with fear and anxiety. But she needed to do what she was there to do – to find her escape velocity.
And then she took a deep breath, stepped forward and let go…

They had been together for three years and she felt as if she was with a stranger. An apathetic individual who just recognized her existence but was oblivious to any emotions and feelings she might had. She decided that they should separate, part their ways to save causing any more pain to the other. So it followed.

She could barely open her eyes halfway through the fall and when she did her vision contorted in a palette of bright colors, all receding to the edges of her pupil to give a hazy appearance to the valley underneath. It won’t be long before it’s over.

The breakup went exceedingly well, no tears shed and no aggrieved catharsis…it was just like signing off a debt. This was when she realized that she was at a loss in this entire deal while his guy was just happy to shed the load off the shoulders. And on the last day at his place, she relieved herself of this burden of vengeance she carried.

Her vision started spinning. She felt a knot in her gut and a tight jerk on her lower legs. Her fall stretched for what seemed like eternity and then came to a dead halt.

She took out the most expensive negligee he had gifted her. Cut it into three pieces and flushed them down the toilet, the sink and the bathtub jamming the whole drainage system. She left in a rush because the cab she called was already honking outside the house by then. It would take a while before he would realize that something was terribly wrong.

The cord tied to her legs recoiled; the upward thrust lifted not just her body but also her heart and mind. She felt the wind on her face as her body lurched up and down on the bungee cord till there was no tension left in the rope. She was lowered gently to the platform below.

Later she came to know how the house was stripped and the floor had to be taken apart to fix the clogged toilet. Because of seldom use, the sink and bathtub were still waiting for their turn to be discovered for the abnormality. The next installments of his home loan were going to be a bi*ch.

“Are you fine Miss?”
“Never been better!”

She had found her escape velocity.

My top picks for iPhone games

Had it remained just a fancy touch phone, I would never have fallen fanatically in love with it. But the way iPhone pushed past just-a-cool-phone barrier to be the ultimate mobile gaming console, it totally got me. A serious dearth of PSP games and some big titles releasing in iPhone world cooked the perfect recipe for me to switch to a mobile touch screen gaming platform.

Here are my top picks for recently released graphic intensive games on iPhone.

#1 Need for Speed Undercover

Definitely the best game on iPhone till date across all genres. Intuitive and flawless graphics, smooth tilt controls and absolutely fantastic gameplay makes it an undisputable winner. This is everything NFS studio missed out in few of its last PC/PSP releases, I am glad they got it right this time.

#2 Assassin’s Creed

EA’s Assassin’s Creed lives up to its reputation on a touch platform too and does that in style. Everything about this game deserves a superlative - the story, the combat mode, the labyrinths the sound effects, the graphics etc. The only minor flaw could be the touch joystick, which I wish could be umm… more physical to touch.

#3 Hero of Sparta

The opening sequence of this game is so awesome that I never get tired of watching it over and over again. It’s like watching the best fight sequence from 300, the movie. The game itself is absolute awesomeness, with a control interface very similar to Assassin’s Creed which in my opinion will soon be the norm of such games on iPhone. This is more slashing and fighting and less exploring than Assassin’s Creed. The backdrops and the monsters are fantastic. A little crispier graphics could have easily pushed it to #2 spot.

#4 Dungeon Defense/Fieldrunners

The classic desktop tower defense games and the ones I have spend most of my time playing on my iPhone. Building mazes and upgrading weapons/warriors was never so much fun to defend against the waves of swarms of enemy crawling through the screen. While Fieldrunners is a replica of the classic genre, the Dungeon Defense is something with a twist with re-spawning defending skeletons and dungeon warriors.

#5 Tap-Tap Revenge coldplay

AKA the iPhone’s Guitar Hero. This game is total fun and action when you have to tap syncing to the tunes of some of the biggest hits of Coldplay – also featuring their newest hits from Viva La Vida. The coolest thing remains the background animations amidst all the taps and shake of the game. It has a multiplayer mode too which I will definitely want to try out when I can.

#6 Metal Gear Solid Touch

This is another great game for iPhone. I would have ranked it higher if there was something much more to do than just aim, shoot, change weapon and take cover. The game becomes a lot more interesting in the later stages when the variables of the gameplay increase. But I guess for the title MGS has been, one always tends to hope for more.

Other great games available for iPhone which deserve a mention:

#1 Trism
#2 Classic Bookworm
#3 Labyrinth
#4 Text Twist
#5 Ninja Shadows
#6 Time Crisis

With hoards of titles already lined up for iPhone I am looking forward to buy a new phone and treat it as my primary gaming device :)

How NOT to woo a girl

“Men are from Earth. Women are from Earth. Deal with it!”

Disclaimer: All the statistics mentioned below are based on the fact that sixty three percent of them are made on the spot.

Science has proven that there are six billion thirty one thousand eight hundred and forty seven ways to screw up your chances with a girl. Doing one should be enough. On a positive note, there are only seven thousand and eighty four ways to impress one. The bummer – a man has to do each one of them to actually see the results (I knew there was a catch)

I just thought that I will cover a few misconceptions of wooing a girl, those which have been grossly mis-projected by various commercials across all nations hence are more contentious and dangerous.

As falsely projected by various TV ads -

Possessing the following items WILL NOT make a girl instantly fall in love with you:

A flashy bike
A fancy mobile phone (the ones playing loud FM/music)
A Car (unless it is a filthy expensive convertible, maybe)

Using/Wearing following will not make girls lose their mind and ‘get naughty’ with you:

A chick-magnet deodorant
A styling hair-gel
Any aftershave/Shaving cream
A Dandruff shampoo (I cannot believe the advertisement actually pulled it off)
Fairness cream for men (A what?)
Briefs (C’mon, seriously?)

Drinking/Eating any of the following will not impress a girl:

Sprite (Even they claim it’s just a thirst quencher)
Pan Masala (Believe me, there is an ad)

One has to figure out rest of the six billion thirty one thousand eight hundred and forty himself but as studies continue about eighty seven percent of them will always remain unknown to men. Always!

My pre-poll analysis

Some commotion you guys have managed to stir up. Seriously!!

So, what’s the deal with you people? Do you ever get tired of criticizing, bad-mouthing, mudslinging your opponent? EVER?

Ultimately you all end up as crooks, downright shallow one at that too…not because we see your shortcomings but because you cede your stance to become a hostage to contemptible tricks.

I take this opportunity to be self-righteous, blunt and out-and-out sarcastic for the sorry state the country has been rendered by you guys. Most of the following allegations are my own reflections to the news floating around only.

Mr. PM, I have been thoroughly disappointed with you for it was under your term that the ill fated reservation bill was passed. Dear ‘Left’, where your self-satisfied and unbendable stand was during this.
And dear BJP, why did you not walk out of the Parliament House to protest when this bill was in session as you have always done until then like a whiny child out of power. You did send Ms. Sushma Swaraj to ‘woo’ the protesting doctors when she had to flee when asked earnestly for BJP’s support against reservation.

Mr. Advani, you have projected yourself as a strong leader seemingly with unfathomable funding and apparently a ghost-written blog but seriously, are you that daft when it comes to rigidity that you blatantly make a temple issue a part of your manifesto. My suggestion – build a Secular Politician Correction Facility over there, enroll yourself, it might do you some good.

Hang on Mr. Advani, the list of your power-lust backing is too long but I am only going to iterate one more. Thanks for giving a ticket to Gujjar Bainsla, the mastermind of the Gujjar violence in Rajasthan when the SC was trying to make amends in the reserved category list. After all after the Vasundhara government, only people like Bainsla should thrive and not the immoral youths who dare hold hands in malls.

Mr. Modi, I wasn’t appalled at the rage you showered while addressing a gathering when Ms. Sonia Gandhi dared say that bigger threat to the country were not the external terrorist forces but the communal forces within. I just thought you took it personally. Well, you had every reason to do so, for the death toll of Gujarat violence still surpasses the ones in the Mumbai terror attack.

And the idea of Mr. Modi being projected as the future PM once BJP comes to power is sick and sorry at the same time.

Dear BJP, there are many skeletons in your closet you are still to account for. The lax response of your candidate, the CM of Karnataka, Mr. Yeddiyurappa, towards the Pub attack by Ram Sen was more insulting than the attack itself.

But looks like as I will poll in this election, for the less worse of the lot, I will only have to settle with 3G, 16MB Broadband connectivity, rice at 2 Rs/kg (if I end up poor in this recession) and other sops but not a byte of accountability from you guys.

Sucks to be me…just another voter in the biggest democracy around the world.

The last lie

Ruefully repentant, he raised his guilty head in a contrite gesture of apologetic spin. He had lied to his parents about his dismal performance in the test. To his teacher about getting the report signed from his parents which he actually got signed by Bubba, his best friend. He had also lied to the filthy beggar he met at the last crossing, for he had change – a shiny one rupee coin.

It was hard for him to fathom the remorse under which he was getting trampled every moment. So much so that he didn’t even realize when a sparrow dropped its dump on his head, his foot landed in horse’s stool and his shirt got torn after getting struck in the ‘sharp clothing’ signboard round the corner. Amidst all the disappointment and self contempt he just had one hope to hold on to – Bubba. “He would understand, even if only for the sake that he was a partner in the crime now.”

He had to lie to his wife. Infidelity was unpardonable in a relationship based on vows of trust, even by his shallow standards which allowed peeing in the shower and leaving the toilet seat up. He looked back at what he had turned out to be. He remembered the first time he had lied about his test, was caught and had to survive on nothing but broccoli, spinach, vitamins and corn flakes for the entire month. Bubba was punished too, but Bubba had his back all the time…he still did.

Grimaced, he drove down to his office cursing his libido and regretting the lies he had to tell his wife to cover for it. At the back of his mind he was framing the next set of convincing alibis, for the only things he could hope to get in his home were suspicious looks and silent treatment. Not good enough. His car came to a halt, as pedestrians flooded the crossing; some gave him looks as if they understood what he was transpiring.

His frail old mother was in coma for almost four months now. The exorbitant hospital bills and the alimony he was paying to his ex-wife seemed to strip him of everything he owned. He was enraged at his own helplessness and at his sorry excuse of living. He looked at Bubba with ever-guilty eyes and breathed a sign of convoluted relief when he got a little nod from him. “Just a little turn…” he heard him saying. He closed his eyes as he felt the grace with which the life support knob twisted to give way to stillness.

They were coming to get him for his deceit and lies did not work, certainly not his subconscious play with life support apparatus. He was charged with the murder of his own comatose mother. He exchanged a worried glance with Bubba, only this time he noticed a flash of satisfaction in those eyes. Agape, he stumbled and mouthed the words – “You told them.” The look lingered -”You always did…never kept anything from anyone” Silence followed…seemed like an eternity before a gunshot reverberated in the room.

He felt his lips contorting in a dismal smile as he rested in a pool of his own blood…Bubba was dead.

“Multiple Identity Disorder sucks at times”